How To Go Out of Business

kaylarStarred Page By kaylar, 26th Sep 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/9hx.pllh/
Posted in Wikinut>Business>Analysis

How to put yourself out of business in a few easy steps

How To Fail

You don't have to gift your managers with BMWs, invest in subprime mortgages; all you have to do is forget that the most important person in your business is the customer. Not you, not the managers, not even the tea lady.
The Customer.

The moment you forget that the Customer outranks every worker, every investor, and you are well on your way to 'Closed'.

You won't have to explain to any outside body how you lost so much money. You will lose it the legal way; by losing your customers.

Sure, Keep Selling Buggy Whips

Sure, you can go out of Business if like Kodak you're still selling film cameras when the world has gone digital. Obviously, you won't have many customers for products no one wants or uses.

Sure, if you don't do any research; (even walking around to see what people are using or wearing or eating) you'll go to sleep in 1989 and wake up in 2009.

But nothing puts you out of business as quickly as bad customer service.

Don'ts to Do

Tailor these little tips to fit your business. There are many ways they can be implemented as long as you don't lose sight of the goal or chase away customers.

The most crucial DON'T is to make the customer feel uncomfortable, unwanted, and for the piece de resistance; ripped off.

You don't have to become too artistic or dramatic, little things will do. Just as long as the customer is made to feel an interruption in your day, a burden to your life, s/he will take the hint and go away and never come back.

Your Staff

Hire the most incompetent uncouth people you can find and pay them minimum wage.

Remember; if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

Make sure they appreciate that their personal calls are more important than the business. That their personal lives take precedence over the customer. Ensure they ignore customers and/or behave rudely and offer assistance grudgingly.

You won't have much to spend much on training if you hire the kind of people you'd cross the street to get away from, and insure that the hours they are to work and the conditions are so onerous that they'll take their anger and frustration out of anyone stupid enough to walk in that door.

No Refunds

The best thing is to sell crap and refuse to refund a customer's money. This will not just get rid of that customer, but everyone that customer speaks to. It may also get you attention from a pesky government agency, which will do a lot to destroy your reputation.

Sure, it might be a bad meal that doesn't cost you $2.00 or a piece of junk you can return to the company for a full refund. But if you want to go out of business Don't ever give refunds, replacements or do repairs.

As a policy.

Policy in Stone

The law of Medes and Persians could never be changed.
The same with your policies.

No matter how bad, no matter how obsolete, they can never change. Whether it is how one enters your premises, whether it is the products, prices, (and the percentages the business takes) it never changes.

It doesn't matter if a competitor is 10% less or gives free gifts. It doesn't matter if your rival is open from 6 am to 11 pm.

The way the company ran fifty years ago is the way it runs today.

If your policy causes your best workers to leave, if your policy causes a loss of custom, it doesn't matter. The policy that was created in 1949 is the policy today.

No alteration.

Conclusion

If you follow these steps your customers will leave in droves.

You won't be able to keep staff, save those who make most of their earnings by stealing.

Soon you will be in bankruptcy court.
And you won't have to worry about much else.

Good luck!

Tags

Business, Customer-Service, Failure, Management, Mismanagement, Money

Meet the author

author avatar kaylar
I am passionate about history, culture, current events, science and law

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
27th Sep 2010 (#)

Treating your staff that are in front of the public like crap is a great way to kill your business, because an employee who feels like crap will act like it

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author avatar kaylar
27th Sep 2010 (#)

Oh yeah. And if you really want to discourage a manager, countermand their decisions

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